should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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