He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
