I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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