So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
