Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
