I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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