she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
