i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
