i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
