I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
