it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
