I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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