He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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