My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
