no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
