Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I need to calm my uterus...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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