when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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