I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
