watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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