my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
