I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
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I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.