I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...