Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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