last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
