Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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