You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
