im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
