I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
