i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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