i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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