My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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