Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
