Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You ruined the universe
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
