I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
