I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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