All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
