Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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