hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
