oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
