So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
