i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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