it hurts more in the daytime
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
