I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
