Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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