Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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