remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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