Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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