Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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