Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We were destined to go to rehab together
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
