I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
