Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
