seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
