remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
