My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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