I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
