got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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