Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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