the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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