Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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